Vulnerability

I’m having trouble tonight.

It’s about 10:30 pm and I can’t sleep.

I’m too exhausted. I’m in a stranger’s home, the third airbnb since I’ve been in Boulder. It’s Sunday night so I haven’t figured out where the nearest cafes and grocery stores are for the week. I tried to go to Walgreen’s for one of my favorite Odwalla smoothies, but they were sold out. I don’t know where to get more food. I’m hungry and I’m tired and I just can’t figure this out.

There’s not a lot of times in my life I say “can’t”. I’m a very self-sufficient woman and know how to get shit done. I don’t care how hungry, tired, thirsty, sleepy, lost, scared, alone, or unsafe I feel. I’ll buckle down, figure out how to deal with the situation, and get it done.

Always.

I made a phone call for the first time in my life last week. And I would’ve just made another if my husband weren’t currently on an airplane without cell service.

“I can’t do this alone. I need help.”

Call it pride, call it independence, whatever you want. I don’t call people because I can’t do something. I call them because there’s a cool thing on Friday, or there’s this crazy thing I have to tell you about, or I need advice on something, or this silly thing happened at work today, or you’re really cool and I just wanna see what you’re up to.

I don’t call because I don’t know how to get through another five minutes.

I don’t call because I feel so weak that I can’t even run a Maps search on my phone, find an open grocery store or restaurant, and drive there.

But I made one of those calls last week. “I can’t do this alone. I need your help.”

I’m a firm believer that the struggles you encounter are the lessons you’re meant to learn.

So far, life’s worked out pretty well being a person who can take care of herself.

I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get a lot better at accepting help from people. And admitting to people when I’m honestly, truly struggling.

It’s uncomfortable and I wish I could just keep powering through. But I gotta listen to my body and my soul: pregnancy isn’t meant to be done alone. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to collapse into a pathetic ball of tears until the next nap spot or source of calories appears. It’s okay to lean a bit on the people I love.

This is gonna be a lesson in vulnerability.

Oh man, I don’t know if I’m ready…

KK 15jul18