I’m starting to show.

My windproof bike jacket that’s ridden hundreds (thousands?) of miles with me is getting tight. Not much longer and I won’t be able to zip it up.

The cute flannel button-down Rosie got me for family pics bulges out between buttons. It used to flatter my flat stomach.

Strangers let themselves stare at my stomach. I’m fit everywhere but for that bulge.

Occasionally I feel a fish doing flips in my lower abdomen.

Reaching up for a glass is too much stretch for my abs.

Sometimes everything feels tight, like I’ve eaten a big dinner. It’s uncomfortable and I just wanna sit on the couch til my food digests and my stomach goes back to normal again.

But the stretching and crowding only gets worse.

The changes scare me. My body will continue to distort. What does “never the same” mean? Will I one day get my fitness back?

What does it mean to have an infant? I don’t understand not being able to hop on a plane when you want. I don’t understand not being able to go to the gym because I can’t find a babysitter.

What have we done? I didn’t understand when I told Richard I wanted to be pregnant.

Please let me just be afraid for a minute. I can only feel the fringes of what’s about to happen to my life; feeling it all would paralyze me.

I just need somewhere to sit and cry!

KK 11oct18